Friday, February 27, 2009

Sweet Merciful Lord

Blogging may be dead but my career sure aint.

In these wonderful times of stimulus packages and bailouts its nice to know that sometimes, after 6 fucking years, those of us that work hard get rewarded. I remember when stimulus and package were used only in the context of pornotube and not economic melt down. Who would have thought that after years and years of toiling in a thriving economy, it would simply take the ruination of our country to get me a promotion!

The amazing events that led to my prosperity are best displayed in a timeline, so pull up a chair and put your best "I'm totally paying attention" face on ,while I review the facts in evidence.

February 2002 - I graduate college, I should have graduated in June of 2001 but I dropped out of high school and it took me awhile to realize that a GED was necessary in life. Try as I might I couldn't make up that missing semester.

May 2002 - I get my first "real" job (ie a job where I don't have to show cleavage for tips) at a company owned and run by extended family members.

July 2002 - I realize that even though I'm family I don't mean shit to my bosses and start pondering the merits of business school.

August 2002 - I create a resume for graduate school and on a whim post it to

September 2002 - I get a call from a head hunter (my liberal arts majoring self had no idea that this was a profession or that you could hire someone to pimp you out to corporate companies free of charge.)

February 2002 - I get my first job where nepotism isn't involved.

March 2003 - I realize the gigantic mistake I've made.

October 2005 - I start this blog out of desperation and fear, I will never get a promotion, I will never be appreciated, I will never get to throw a stapler at my bosses head!

June 2006 - I start my new job at the advertising firm, where I am asked to vacuum conference rooms with a dust buster and wash dishes for lazy, fat, and closeted art directors.

August 2006 - I am fired at my job at the advertising firm, coincidentally it seems that they have not really 'grown' as a business since 2007, poor guys I hope this economy isn't beating you all in the genitals.

November 2006 - I start my job at Carlin

December 2006 - I loose my password to this blog

January 2007 - My company is acquired by RBC and I'm back in corporate finance where I started in essentially the same position just a different department.


Late 2008 - The economy starts going to hell, we elect a super cool awesome president with the power to give us hope, people start loosing jobs.

Early 2009 - We are a fucking broke ass country, it's gonna take a little more then hope to fix this shit, it's going to take rules and regulations. Some of these rules and regulations create jobs (while most create unemployment) and I am approached about one of these jobs.

This week (Wednesday to be specific) - I am offered said job, and a raise. I go home and drink tequila. Yay for me, I'm not a fucking peon anymore. Suck it Bear Sterns, suck it AIG, suck it hard Bernie Madoff. I'm a happy girl (for now.)

Tonight - I will go out a drink till I forget my name.

Well, I'm sorry about the quality of the presentation, I didn't have time to reserve the projector for the power point presentation, but needless to say I hope this is a good thing. It's funny to see my professional life summed up in a few short sentences but really my professional life has been unworthy of anything more.

I hope you are all still employed, if it makes you feel better, I didn't loose your money but I can give you the names of some of the assholes who did.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sometimes It's Real Life

Last week I suffered a jolt to my system. It has been years since I've worked for anyone I've despised, perhaps this is why I allowed the blog to fall to the wayside. Its easy to write about things you don't like, I know its usually easier to read and often more humorous when things just aren't going my way. I didn't want to toot my own horn or kiss my bosses ass on the world wide web, so I kind of just stopped posting. And then of course I forgot my password and couldn't post, so maybe its serendipitous that I remembered it a few weeks before this happened.

My current boss is a wonderful human being. Kind, nice, and inclusive he is the type of co-worker or reporting officer one hopes to work with or for. When I was given my bonus target for the year, a pithy number that was at once offensive and derogatory, (and yes I know in this economy any bonus is a blessing but my company is not hurting) my boss offered to reduce his own bonus so that my number would be more substantial. He told me that someone who made more money in their yearly salary didn't need the extra money and he could see someone making less money being "better able to use it."

He got sick this month, he thought it was the flu. Every few days or so we would get an email "out today, still battling this flu" and then the next day he would be back, happy and talkative as ever. Last week we got the standard Out of Office email on Monday, but Tuesday came and went without any contact and he didn't show up. Wednesday we found out why, he had been in a 12 hour emergency surgery to relieve pressure on his brain. I'm sure at this point you've realized that the flu (even the really bad ones that leave you aching and begging for mercy) doesn't cause pressure on the brain. The pressure was caused by a tumor, a brain tumor, cancer to be exact, stage 4 cancer to be even more precise. If you don't know, stage 4 cancer is lethal, it spreads and metastasizes and can't be removed with surgery.

My boss is 37 years old if he lives to see 38 he will be lucky. He has three children under the age of 13. This sort of thing is only supposed to happen in TV movies of the week.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Ha, you thought I was dead didn't you. Lets be honest now its been like two fucking years since I've posted here and most of you are long gone. I'll fess up to something between the two of us if you can keep a secret. I forgot my damn password, oh I also forgot which user account I created this god forsaken pity party with so signing on to bitch and moan wasn't really an option.

My my my, how the world has changed in two short years. I could remunerate all that's happened to us as a society, country or just bitch about my life as an individual but I'll spare you the things you already know. I wonder if the links on my sidebar even work anymore...

Work days are still filled with countless hours spent trying to look busier then I actually am so I can avoid getting fired or doing real work. I piss away time on the internet and shuffle through papers so as to appear like I'm doing what they pay me for. Sometimes I wonder how many other people do the same thing I do at their sad corporate cubicles. I'm sure its more of my co-workers then I could imagine. I love walking by people's computers to see what they are buying, where they are going or who they wish they were. Other people's internet usage is a rare glimpse into personality and preference. I mean think about it, where else can you find some one's interests, buying habits, desires, and amusement all in one little address bar? If one were to look at my browsing habits they would most definitely see me for the sad little sociopath wannabe that I am but I'm smart enough to have a privacy filter on my monitor and to lock my computer when not in use...

How much did you really miss me?

Friday, December 29, 2006

Home Stretch

I'm what the over-hyped, over-quaffed, over-confident traders and I-bankers call a "back office bitch." This statement is supposed to make me feel like less of a human being, and pity my poor standing in life. If I wanted that life I would be living it, but for me a nice bottle of wine and a good movie from netflix does more for me then any night on the town. Not that I look down on those that need to be validated by hulking doormen and coke addicted list girls that stand watch at the door of the fine establishments that foul this fine city. Sometimes I think that I missed the boat being born in the early eighties, I read stories about Danceteria and Pyramid and think it would be nice to find an unpretentious place to dance and drink without worry that my shoes are "so last season."

I deal with the banking "big shots" on a daily basis, I never cow-tow and never, ever flirt. So many of my type (ie back office girls) do, hoping perhaps that they too can join in the luxury and excess. Doing coke in the bathroom of some trendy nightspot, while the bathroom attendant knocks on the door threatening to call security, is not my idea of a good time. I do not squeeze myself into form fitting clothing, painful shoes and hand-bags so tiny that I have to leave my mace at home. I hear these captains of finance discussing their weekend plans at sorted nightspots with "easy bitches" and bottle service, and it validates my reason to stay far away from these people and those places.

Before I became corporate I bartended to pay my way through school. I had no choice but to wear the tight clothes and smile at the various assholes begging me for vodkaredbull (it must be said in one word to sound authentic) and my phone number. As soon as the lights came on and the bouncers cleared house, I would stare and the gummy, sticky, grimy filth that covered the surfaces and shudder at all the girls who could no longer stand in their stillettos, opting to dance barefoot in the club sewage. There were the girls who danced on the bar, shaking their asses in my face and bending over to show the world their panties (or sometimes lack there of.) There were the ones who engaged in mock lesbianism crying out for all those in attendance to look at them, attention can be a dangerously addictive habit, and others who gave blow jobs in the bathroom in exchange for a pass to VIP. I would wait for the night to end, and use a biore towlette to wipe the layers of makeup off my face, tie my hair up and put my glasses on to count my tips. I would walk out, escorted by a bouncer to a cab, inconspicuous to anyone who may have seen me inside. I would go home and wash the night off me, I refused to sleep smelling like an apple martini.

This glorified lifestyle that NYC has become so centered on holds no allure for me. Once you have seen how the magician performs his trick, the magic is gone and you truly understand what an illusion it is.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Full Circle

So I was fired from the last place. I hear they're having financial issues now, something about over spending and bad accounting. Hmmmm, they certainly weren't blowing all that money on my salary. Maybe it was the don't ask, don't review and just pay expense reimbursement program that the "important" people so heavily abused. Who cares moving on. They were small fish in large pond, clinging to a bigger fish so they could seem imposing. They denied my unemployment, they claimed I was fired due to excessive mistakes and for lying to the company about my background. Fuckers!!

I'm back in finance, sure it's not my life's dream to work with numbers but the pay is good, the structure sturdy and very few people are rewarded for bi-polar like mania well disguised as "creative process." It's a much smaller company, where everyone knows your name (like Cheers, except there's no booze and no Ted Danson, I've checked and he's no where to be found.) I like my boss, I'm not an admin anymore, life is good.....

Well you know that couldn't last, we've been acquired by a large foreign bank, (not the place of my last financial employment) and the CFO of said company is..... My old boss from the last bank.

I can't win, I'm not going to struggle, I'm just going to walk down to HR and make sure he can't transfer me into his department. I'll keep you updated as new information is revealed to me.