Tales from the Subway
Ah what a cliche title to this post. Allow me to elaborate before you roll your eyes and move to something more interesting...I ride two different transit lines every morning. First I take the PATH train (in NJ ugh) to the big hole where the WTC Towers used to be, then I transfer to the MTA NYC Subway. Both of these systems have their own quirks and issues, for me the issues are mostly other people. Take this morning, I encountered two of the more annoying subway creatures that dwell deep under the city.
The Subway Preacher - Not content to just stand in front of the turnstyle and shove whatever propaganda pamphlet the Jehovas' Witnesses are pushing this month. I love these hand outs since they usually review, in great detail, how I am a bad person and will probably go to hell unless I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. (Being half catholic and half Jewish I think I suffer through enough guilt without some 3rd party religion laying it on me every day.) But I digress, the Subway Preacher actually rides the train with the huddled masses, yearning for their first cup of coffee and dreaming they are still asleep. The Subway Preacher rides the train and proceeds to lecture all the riders, in a tone loud enough to my ipod forcefield useless, about Jesus Christ, salvation, redemption, and burning in hell. I make eye contact with my fellow passengers, a form of contact usually forbidden in the subways as part of the unwritten code. I see the desperation in their eyes, they want the preacher to shut up as much as I do, but no one says a word. For three stops I get to hear the morning sermon in stilted accented English, and for once I think maybe crucifixion is a good alternative to listening any more.
The Pole Hog - The pole hog is either a tall, thin, man or a tiny, petite, woman. The Pole Hog stakes its claim to the entire vertical subway pole, thus making it impossible for anyone else to hold on while the train lurches, and sways like a drunken guido driving home after a crazy party at club spirit. The stake their claim in one of two ways, by leaning on the entire pole, thus making it impossible to grab on, or by hugging said pole like they suffer vertigo and are about to collapse. Not that I would begrudge someone who was about to collapse, but that is not usually the case. The pole hog moves around on the pole so any hapless schmuck who may have had an opportunity to find an empty piece of real-estate losses their grip or just gets pushed off. A pole hog is not a problem in a near empty subway car, but at 8:40AM an empty subway car is about as easy to find as a unicorn. In a crowded car the victims of a pole hog are left to flail and fall into who ever may by closest due to the fact that they have nothing to stabilize themselves on. This crashing into other passengers can be quite dangerous, especially if said landing pad is Angry Give Me My Space Woman, but that's an entirely different creature.
The Subway Preacher - Not content to just stand in front of the turnstyle and shove whatever propaganda pamphlet the Jehovas' Witnesses are pushing this month. I love these hand outs since they usually review, in great detail, how I am a bad person and will probably go to hell unless I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. (Being half catholic and half Jewish I think I suffer through enough guilt without some 3rd party religion laying it on me every day.) But I digress, the Subway Preacher actually rides the train with the huddled masses, yearning for their first cup of coffee and dreaming they are still asleep. The Subway Preacher rides the train and proceeds to lecture all the riders, in a tone loud enough to my ipod forcefield useless, about Jesus Christ, salvation, redemption, and burning in hell. I make eye contact with my fellow passengers, a form of contact usually forbidden in the subways as part of the unwritten code. I see the desperation in their eyes, they want the preacher to shut up as much as I do, but no one says a word. For three stops I get to hear the morning sermon in stilted accented English, and for once I think maybe crucifixion is a good alternative to listening any more.
The Pole Hog - The pole hog is either a tall, thin, man or a tiny, petite, woman. The Pole Hog stakes its claim to the entire vertical subway pole, thus making it impossible for anyone else to hold on while the train lurches, and sways like a drunken guido driving home after a crazy party at club spirit. The stake their claim in one of two ways, by leaning on the entire pole, thus making it impossible to grab on, or by hugging said pole like they suffer vertigo and are about to collapse. Not that I would begrudge someone who was about to collapse, but that is not usually the case. The pole hog moves around on the pole so any hapless schmuck who may have had an opportunity to find an empty piece of real-estate losses their grip or just gets pushed off. A pole hog is not a problem in a near empty subway car, but at 8:40AM an empty subway car is about as easy to find as a unicorn. In a crowded car the victims of a pole hog are left to flail and fall into who ever may by closest due to the fact that they have nothing to stabilize themselves on. This crashing into other passengers can be quite dangerous, especially if said landing pad is Angry Give Me My Space Woman, but that's an entirely different creature.
posted by selling my soul at 9:22 AM
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