Why I should be sterilized
I have a disorder, and though it has gotten some media attention as of late, it will never be anything fabulous like anorexia or chic like cocaine abuse. There are no celebrities openly seeking "help" for their bi-polar tendencies, and the only time you see someone afflicted by it in media portrayal they are off their rocker and undressing in the street, or killing themselves with a shotgun.
I have said it before and I'll say it again, I'm crazy. Now don't go all patronizing and tell me we're all crazy, or no ones crazy, or there's no such thing as sane. I'm nuts, I know it, I live with it, and I suffer for it. Every morning I ingest small capsules of sanity to assure that I can go through the day and blend in nicely with the faceless masses. I blend well and can pass on most days. There are those when it becomes uncontrollable. The tics, the hyperactivity, the volatility and sadly there are no "crazy" days at work, I can take a sick day but what doctor is going to write me a note for that?
To whom it may concern,
Please excuse -t-'s absence on __/__ she was suffering some short term manic behavior.
Sincerely,
Dr. ___
Yeah, that would be the quickest way short of blowing a superior in plain sight to get fired. I try to keep it under control but sometimes, it just isn't having it.
So I'm sure by this point your questioning the title of this post. Please allow me to clarify.
If I breed, by some unlucky chance I have a child, that child has a 50% chance of being born bi-polar. This means that until the age of sixteen or so that child will lead a fairly normal life, occasionally exhibiting a level of high intelligence that supposedly goes hand in hand with the disorder. Now keep in mind when I say normal life, it means as normal as a child with a whacked out mother can be. It breaks my hearts to think that I could bring a child into the world knowing that their lives are doomed as mine is, as my fathers is, as my grandfathers is.
I used to be the "smart" one, teachers would beam down on me and give me extra credit, whispering in my ear that they wanted to challenge me. I'm sure if I looked hard enough into a mirror I would have seen that my nose was a bit brown but I didn't care. As I aged I transformed from the "smart" one to the "troubled" one and from there ever so often I was pegged as "just plain bad." I should have been crushed with my turn of events but I was too busy with the notions and ideas I was suffering.
Every day I take a pill, every day for the rest of my life. Its like waking up and restarting the timer to a bomb, every day you have to reset it for 24 hours, and if you don't then it goes off, but never when you expect it to.
I have said it before and I'll say it again, I'm crazy. Now don't go all patronizing and tell me we're all crazy, or no ones crazy, or there's no such thing as sane. I'm nuts, I know it, I live with it, and I suffer for it. Every morning I ingest small capsules of sanity to assure that I can go through the day and blend in nicely with the faceless masses. I blend well and can pass on most days. There are those when it becomes uncontrollable. The tics, the hyperactivity, the volatility and sadly there are no "crazy" days at work, I can take a sick day but what doctor is going to write me a note for that?
To whom it may concern,
Please excuse -t-'s absence on __/__ she was suffering some short term manic behavior.
Sincerely,
Dr. ___
Yeah, that would be the quickest way short of blowing a superior in plain sight to get fired. I try to keep it under control but sometimes, it just isn't having it.
So I'm sure by this point your questioning the title of this post. Please allow me to clarify.
If I breed, by some unlucky chance I have a child, that child has a 50% chance of being born bi-polar. This means that until the age of sixteen or so that child will lead a fairly normal life, occasionally exhibiting a level of high intelligence that supposedly goes hand in hand with the disorder. Now keep in mind when I say normal life, it means as normal as a child with a whacked out mother can be. It breaks my hearts to think that I could bring a child into the world knowing that their lives are doomed as mine is, as my fathers is, as my grandfathers is.
I used to be the "smart" one, teachers would beam down on me and give me extra credit, whispering in my ear that they wanted to challenge me. I'm sure if I looked hard enough into a mirror I would have seen that my nose was a bit brown but I didn't care. As I aged I transformed from the "smart" one to the "troubled" one and from there ever so often I was pegged as "just plain bad." I should have been crushed with my turn of events but I was too busy with the notions and ideas I was suffering.
Every day I take a pill, every day for the rest of my life. Its like waking up and restarting the timer to a bomb, every day you have to reset it for 24 hours, and if you don't then it goes off, but never when you expect it to.
posted by selling my soul at 12:37 PM
1 Comments:
I can't even imagine T.. that must be extremely difficult and complicated. But I think it's pretty amazing you can recognize it.. I still think you come across as 'highly intelligent'.. and whether celebrity or not, aren't/weren't there plenty of great writers out there w/ the same disorder? Besides, only boring people have nothing going on.. it's always the eccentric/deluded/crazy ones who make their marks in the world.
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