Professional Conduct Training

Here's what I learned today from the very nice lawyer who stood at the podium addressing those of us not slick enough to figure a way out of this "mandatory" training session;

1) It is illegal to have any sort of personality in a professional setting.

2) Forget that you are any of the following; a woman, a man, a homosexual, straight, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, Indian, Jewish, catholic, Muslim, Buddhist, Taoist, atheist, agnostic, Protestant, handicapped, fat, thin, attractive,ugly, smart, stupid, short, tall, pregnant, barren, or any other trait that may make you an individual. You should be a good employee and nothing more.

3) You are protected by the law if you are an equal opportunity asshole.

4) There are procedures set up to assist and protect you (however should you try and use these procedures you will find that they are only a figment of corporate law's imaginations.)

5) Do not under any circumstances touch anyone anywhere at anytime!

6) Homosexuals are not protected by federal law under the equal employment act of 1967.

All in all the most important thing I took away from this course is to run as far and as fast as I can from corporate America before they dip me in whatever they have used to sterilize and deprogram those with any signs of individuality. Stomping grapes in Spain never looked so good!

I am not alone!

This is the post that is supposed to make me look good. This conversation took place today, all names have been changed to protect the innocent and to assure I don't loose my job.

Erik; Between me and you, I tried to fly away but it didn't work out and I don't know why

-t-; What happened?

Erik; Who knows, I thought it was a done deal and now I feel like an idiot

-t-; Fly where?

Erik; A hedge fund

Erik; Don't tell anyone, (obviously he doesn't know me that well.)

-t-; When did it fall through?

Erik; This morning, the thing is if anything I was overqualified. (sigh, I know how he feels)

-t-; Sometimes all they want is a drone, (hmm, I wonder where that statement came from?)

Erik; Yeah, but hedge funds give out crazy pay, this really sucks, oh well

-t-: There will always be something else. And its not like you jumped before you tried your wings out.

Erik; um... I wish that were the case

-t-; Oh, dear, well...

Erik; I got a job at the ISE, during my internship, I signed the papers and then ____ convinced me to stay and hired me full time. (For those that need clarification ISE = International Stock Exchange)

-t-; Oh, so what happens now?

Erik; See, I can cement myself further as an IT guy...

-t-;or?

Erik; or I will have to do it forever and make 100K max when I am like 35

-t-: You say that like 100K is a bad thing . Would you work here in another department?

Erik; Yes

-t-; So try to make it happen.

Erik; Can't, I'm a support guy.

-t-; What needs to be done to make it happen?

Erik; Trust me all these traders say "let's grab a drink sometime" It's all BC.

-t-; Well bullshit is what they do for a living. What do you need to do this for a living?

Erik; An excellent education from ivy league or a really good connection.

-t-; Even in this bank you need a prestigious degree?

Erik; Not always, experience, or French. Its just that I have friends making 100K now.

-t-; So what ? They all burnout before 40, you are young, don't rush adulthood, don't compare yourself to people who have it better, and besides it's not like you're working at McDonalds. Stay for awhile, take out a loan and go to classes at night get the degree that will get you the job you want.

Erik; I know.

-t-; No matter how much money you make someone you know will be making more .

Erik; That's what my cousin said.

-t-; And if you always look to what other people have, you'll never be happy with what you've got.

Erik; I know I don't have it horrible, but I could do more I think...See if I am not making a lot o f $ at least I can have interest in what I do.

-t; I mean look at me, I hope I'm not peaking with this job.

Erik; You're not.

-t-; This place is simply a means to an end...

Erik; I'm sure you could do other jobs too.

-t-; You suffer a bit but you will appreciate it more when you get where you want to be. My boss doesn't think I can count to 20 with my shoes on.

Erik; Why?

-t-; Cause I'm young, female, passive.

Erik; Its messed up.

-t-; As far as he's concerned my job is to be around until I get married and knocked up. But I do love the dental insurance

Erik; The people in my group and I used to not get along, but now we're friends.

-t-; Well you should use my policy, I hate everyone equally, but no one knows it.

Erik: Nice.

-t-; I never said I was. Erik, don't worry too much about what's happening in the future, do what you need to do for you. This is a temporary situation we are in.

Erik; Thanks -t-...

-t-; You have the drive and the ability to make it happen. It just won't happen overnight. But it will happen. Don't walk around like the living dead I see everyday here in the halls, don't resign yourself, but don't beat yourself up either. You have a steady job with decent benefits with a company that looks impressive on a resume. You're doing better then 50% of people your age, you don't live at home, you don't mooch off your parents, you're doing things independently. Don't compare yourself to the so-called "elite" I know many of them and they live these horrible draining lives. Always talking about how much money they have, how much property they have, what kind of cars they drive. Its empty. But if you want to do these things do them because they interest you and you would do them even if they paid less then what you get now. More satisfaction comes from what you do then what you make.

Erik; You're a sweetheart.

-t-; Thanks, by the way don't tell anyone. I still hate you, I hate everyone!

Erik; Nice...

-t-; Sorry, I couldn't be sappy forever you know. I keep emotions out of the work place, unless its hate.

Erik; Little tyrant.

-t-; Yeah, well I abuse what power I do have on a daily basis. Erik, feel better.

Erik; Thanks

-t-;You probably would have been bored if you were over qualified anyway...

Erik; but rich...

-t-; but bored...

Erik; you got me.


Maybe it's time I start to take my own advice.

I wish I had the balls

Someone from HR quit two weeks ago. I found out about it today. She sold her belongings and moved to Spain where she is currently working on an organic farm, picking grapes or something like that. See, some people have the ability to follow their dreams no matter how insane they may seem to others. Perhaps obtaining my degree isn't such a stretch.

The Degradation of Evaluations

I sit in my workstation watching the procession unfold. He came in this morning and gave me a piece of paper letting me know I got a bonus and a raise. He didn't discuss my evaluation, or why he wrote those nasty things but the monetary compensation was enough to make me bow my head and agree to talk about it at some unforeseen time in the future. He gave the good news to those with promotions and the terrible news to those who got nothing. I heard the protests of a coworker on the low end, he shouldn't have complained like he did, I see him sneak out at 4:30 when the rest of us wouldn't dare think to leave before six without good reason. It was almost too much listening to the whiney protests of a forty something year old man. The idiot shivers, (that unshakeable uneasiness one feels while watching another make a complete ass of themselves) crept up my spine and stayed with me through most of the day. There were others who received bad news but like consummate professionals they never revealed their hands, simply nodding at the decision and quietly returning to their desks to call their wives with news that perhaps the holiday credit cards won't be paid off as soon as they thought. He then turned the grunt work over to his second in command, a nice enough guy, a new hire who has yet to learn everyone's name. He put on his coat and waltzed out of the office with the promise of a phone call to check up on things.

So I sit and I watch. I watch as each coworker walks down the corridor towards the office where they will be told how much they are worth in cold hard dollars to this company. I watch them hesitate before opening the sliding shower like door and sitting down to have their next year's worth of work tallied up into a neat little figure. I watch as the poor messenger stammers and shifts in his seat, obviously uncomfortable with his position in this situation. He can't let these people know why they were given what they were given, he didn't make the figures up. Simply a messenger there to deliver the bad news, like the mailman who delivers the poor report card to the parents of the naughty children.

In fact I am amazed at how much this process reminds me of school. Parent/teacher conferences to be exact. Except this time there are no students. The office consensus is that bonuses were too low and many people were denied the things they were promised when they were hired. I feel for them, my school approval still sits on his desk unsigned, collecting dust and draining me of my sanity.

"He said it would be pro-rated!" One woman complains to me. She writes him an email and the swift response from human resources is a denial; reread your engagement letter, there isn't any stipulation about bonuses. My boss may be an accountant but he should have been a salesman, he has sold each of us a good line when hiring us and once that period of appreciation passes you realize why everyone walks around with their head down.

I watch them leave the fear and anticipation that was so viable in their faces replaced now with resignation. They make the trudge back to their workstations pausing briefly by a coworkers station to let them know that the torch has been passed and another gets to take the long walk down the corridor.

Choices and consequences

I am going to start my MBA in September. I have made the decision to do this with or without my bosses approval on my tuition reimbursement. I will attend a public university in New York City with a decent reputation for it's part time study program. If my boss does decide to give me the approval I so desperately need I will attend one of two high ranking private universities in New York. I can't waffle anymore, the sooner I finish my studies the sooner I can get out of here.

This decision came to me through a series of events that occurred last week. It was performance review time and I was shocked to see what was written about me. Now mind you I may not have the most important position in this department, but god damn I work hard and I put in extra time every week no fail. I do more then is expected and I assist anyone who needs it. In short I am appreciated by almost everyone I work with. When I had a chance to browse my review I saw the cutting words. Adequate! I don't even know what that means! (Well technically I know what it means, but you get what I'm saying.) I don't do adequate, I do well, I do good, I do excellent or I don't do at all. I fired off an email to my boss asking for an explanation and he blew me off. He went so far as to call other people to ask me questions like we were in grade school or something.

Simmering in my anger I made the decision, I wanted out. The fastest way to accomplish this is to achieve what I started this process for in the first place. I'm going to do it with or without help. No more red tape for me, if I can't cut through it I'll simply walk around it.