It's Back
Everyday I jot on a post it the stupid and notable things that happen around me at the office. When I get home from work I cull what could be considered a semi-literate post from the random chicken scratching that I call short hand. I bitch and I moan and I think about how things could be different or how things sometimes seem like they're not going to ever get better. Ah the poor life of a mid level office worker, I know it's not that bad, but the bi-polar tendencies I've harbored since my adolescent life lead me to over dramatize situations and victimize myself as to absolve myself of any blame. But once and awhile things snap into perspective.
This first time this happened was the time my mother committed me for treatment for my "mental disorder." Living with true crazies, and the horribly damaged showed me that though I have my issues things could be much worse, like Kara the girl who was raped by her step-father and step-brother and then once committed to the first ward was raped again by an attending. My issues didn't even register on the map when I compared myself to her.
The second time my life was put into perspective was a little over a year ago. I made my annual trip to the gynecologist for my check up. Everything checked out okay until my Pap results came back and they called me in for a biopsy. I had cancer, early stage cancer but cancer none the less. They operated and sent me on my merry way telling me everything would be fine. But like all paranoid women of the modern age I checked the internet and found horror story after horror story. Tales of sterility and chemo-therapy swirled around in my head until the following check up when the doctor told me everything checked out and that I should be okay.
"Come back every three months for two years to make sure that everything checks out, only then do we consider you cured."
I took this to heart and once the next three months were up I faithfully made my way down for my first follow up test. It came back negative and you have never seen a happier person in your life. Somehow I allowed myself to miss the next two tests, life is a very complicate thing and sometimes it overwhelms you. Last week I went in for my next test.
About seven thirty this morning my phone rang and I saw from the caller ID that it was my doctor, (a helpful hint to those who don't know, doctors never call early in the morning to give you good news) she told me that my test showed something and that another biopsy should be scheduled.
Its back, I know it, I'm scared and once again, though it rarely happens, I find myself in a bad situation in which I have no share of the blame.
This first time this happened was the time my mother committed me for treatment for my "mental disorder." Living with true crazies, and the horribly damaged showed me that though I have my issues things could be much worse, like Kara the girl who was raped by her step-father and step-brother and then once committed to the first ward was raped again by an attending. My issues didn't even register on the map when I compared myself to her.
The second time my life was put into perspective was a little over a year ago. I made my annual trip to the gynecologist for my check up. Everything checked out okay until my Pap results came back and they called me in for a biopsy. I had cancer, early stage cancer but cancer none the less. They operated and sent me on my merry way telling me everything would be fine. But like all paranoid women of the modern age I checked the internet and found horror story after horror story. Tales of sterility and chemo-therapy swirled around in my head until the following check up when the doctor told me everything checked out and that I should be okay.
"Come back every three months for two years to make sure that everything checks out, only then do we consider you cured."
I took this to heart and once the next three months were up I faithfully made my way down for my first follow up test. It came back negative and you have never seen a happier person in your life. Somehow I allowed myself to miss the next two tests, life is a very complicate thing and sometimes it overwhelms you. Last week I went in for my next test.
About seven thirty this morning my phone rang and I saw from the caller ID that it was my doctor, (a helpful hint to those who don't know, doctors never call early in the morning to give you good news) she told me that my test showed something and that another biopsy should be scheduled.
Its back, I know it, I'm scared and once again, though it rarely happens, I find myself in a bad situation in which I have no share of the blame.
posted by selling my soul at 10:44 AM
2 Comments:
Hi T--
This post is very well written and very, very sad.
I wish you the absolute best. My boyfriend's sister was recently diagnosed with cancer and we all flipped out and had panic attacks, etc. etc. and then her prognosis changed, she underwent chemo and is doing very well. Even at it's worse, there is no need to think "death sentence".
Oh honey.. my thoughts are with you. I don't know how this all works, but a former roommate of mine had that same thing and also had it removed and it's gone. I'm not trying to make light of it, but don't forget to breathe.. it's possible this could go away. Try to think positive until they tell you otherwise.. Sending all the hugs I can muster your way.
Post a Comment
<< Home