TMI

I know things, I'm privy to all sorts of information that I shouldn't be allowed to even know exists. I have access to emails, files and documents that are incredibly classified. I used to be an admin and they just never took away the rights once I was promoted.

Let me clue you in on a bit on information, the admins, secretaries if you must, they know shit. They know shit before you know it and they probably have a better understanding of it because they know all the other shit that's associated with the shit at hand. They know when you're going to be fired, they know when you do well, they're like a corporate santa clause, one who gives out hard candy and tissues instead of presents.

I know my boss is trying to get his son to fuck an intern in the company, I know his son is married, I know this won't end well. I know she's pretty in a bleach blond, librarian glasses and a French accent sort of way. She's new to the country and needs someone to show her around. I'm sure the breed of a jackass is just the way to go.

I know someone is getting demoted even though he's been working in the office until 1am for the last few weeks.

I know all about the confidential documents waiting signature. I know they won't get signed due to lack of attention.

I know my boss has a crush on a woman in the office who does nothing but encourage this infatuation.

I know her breasts aren't real.

I know she's using his little head to get her a promotion she doesn't deserve and that those who work with her have been covering her workload due to complete incompetence on her behalf. If only they knew how to fill out a sweater better then maybe they would get some recognition.

I know why people have been dressing up for work, and believe me it isn't for work.

I know that my boss thinks his co-worker (an woman who used to work for him) is a "fucking bitch, that will stab you in the back and smile while she does it." I know this doesn't mean anything except that my boss is highly insecure and can't stand it when someone else, a woman no less, does his job better.

I know too much, the mystery is gone. Its like dating someone who finds it acceptable to walk in on you when your using the toilet, or even worse some one who uses the toilet with the door open in front of you. Its over and now I look for a new lover.

Brevity

The days grow longer as the summer months approach. I sit in my workstation staring at the natural light, hoping that I may steal a few moments and sit in its warming glow as I stare across the river at a tiny little island that is home to so many.

That giant cruise ship everyone was talking about last week floated by my window on Friday and I thought to myself about how tiny it looked. As the crowds of co-workers flocked to view "the historic" moment, I wondered if this would be the highlight of my employment with this company. Seventy five people standing pressed against the the glass, as if they were mid-westerners straining to get a glimpse of Katie Couric (or at least Matt Lauer) at the Today Show window, all taking in the sight of a big ship as it slowly ambled its way up the river.

I sighed and turned back to my computer screen, hoping that something else would come along, something memorable, something noteworthy. I was looking for a punctuation to the many horrible tales I've told. And then a deux e machina was thrown across my desk.

"Can you sign for a package for T....T....?" The mailroom attendant asked me. I pride myself on being friendly to all, regardless of their position in the company. At best it's gotten me a few free shoe shines, at worst I've become sort of a go to for all packages that can't be signed for.

"Sure" I replied as I took the slip and scrawled my sorry squiggles across the signature line.
I glanced at the yellow packaging and recognized the sender. While working in the New York office I had often signed for these packages for T....T...., always wondering what they contained. A co-worker of his told me they were Viagra, and I hoped he was wrong every time I handed the package to the balding, squat owner.

But this package had a small hole in the corner, no doubt from the lovely job the mailroom does of tossing packages into the wire transport carts as if it was a pick up game on the black top. Well this hole was the answer to a question that had often crossed my mind and I took my pinky and widened it a bit, not much just enough so that the light could stream in and I could see what I had been signing for these past few months.

I peered in at a prescription bottle and scanned the label for the dreaded V, no such luck. I push the bottle close to the opening and tried to keep it facing label out. There it was a bottle of CIALIS. I threw it on T....'s desk chair and ran out of the office, hoping not to have any conferences with him for the rest of the day.

I guess it gives new meaning to hard figures...

Cracked

It happened yesterday, at 10AM in the morning to be precise. I'm not sure of the events that transpired prior to the catastrophe but I witnessed the rubble left by the event.

I was informed early in the morning about the resignation of an individual who had started with the company about seven months ago. He came to us from a bigger firm and was guaranteed this huge bonus to secure his employment. His huge bonus was not originally allocated in the financials and because of this many people saw significant reductions in the amounts they were to receive. He quit two months after his payout and left a project in midstream leaving his coworkers scrambling to try and make things work on their own. He is returning to his first company with a bigger title and salary then when he left.

I took a call at 10AM, the voice belonged to an old supervisor who wanted to know if anyone from my group would be calling in to her NYSE conference. This was not my issue so I walked the corridor and pulled open bosses' door. Sitting across from his desk were two directors from other departments and a consultant who would soon be departing back to France.

"Um...The NYSE conference, it's not my thing, were you going to call in for this. I think its a matter for your attention."

At this his face turned red and he lifted his two aging hands to cover his face and he sat like that for at least forty seconds. I waited, not saying a word and casting furtive glances over to the other people in the room to see if they too were seeing what I was. Eventually his removed the hands from his face and I saw his eyes water.

"Tell her, I'll call into the conference in two minutes."

His voice was strained and cracked several times during this brief statement. I pretended I hadn't seen anything and rushed back to my desk to place the call. The visitors left his office and once the door was closed I could distinctly see through the frosted glass his head on the desk in complete defeat.

Its hard to harbor hate towards someone in their time of weakness. And seeing your boss in a very human position changes your perspective. It's like when you were in middle school and you saw a teacher on the weekend in a store. You always kind of assumed that they didn't exist on Saturday and Sunday, but to acknowledge their human existence made it just a bit harder to act up in class. Not that I act up now, just...Well...Things change.

A Conversation With My Boss (In Reality and In My Mind)

"-t-"

Yes you disgusting, sorry sack of shit, what do you want? What? What? Can't figure out how to turn your computer on today?
"Yes?"

"-t- I need you to come in here we need to talk about a few things."

Oh you want to talk to me, you acknowledge I have the ability to communicate above and beyond simple dog commands such as get, bring, no, bad, ect.
"I'll be right there..."

"We need to publish the FAP (financial accounting package) for the first quarter already. Its May, why hasn't it been sent out?"

Because I like to fuck with you. See when I come here I don't actually do any work, I sit at my desk at bang on the keyboard, randomly pick up the phone and basicly laugh at how you pay me to fuck off all day...
"The financials still haven't been released for the broker dealer and I'm waiting on accounts payable to hand my their graphs and summary for the quarter."

"Well, this needs to happen now, make it happen before the week."

Of course, I'll just use my super powers and magically make all my co-workers drop what they're doing so that you can send out your pretty, shiny, imposing book to the other departments so they can see what a great boss you are.
"I'll try my best, but at the latest I'll have it done by next Wednesday."

"If that's the best you can do then I'll guess we'll just have to settle for it."

Die! Die! Die!
"Sorry about the delay."