Things have been worse
When I was 18 I spent 2 weeks living in a homeless shelter.
When I was 16 I spent a month in a mental institution.
I know things can be worse then they are now, what's so upsetting to me is that things still are not that great. When I went through these dark periods and things fell apart completely I always held on to the idea that one day I would be past all of it and be a "successful" person. Not necessarily a person who was successful, but an individual who knew how to live their life as a human being and interact with other such "successful" people.
I envisioned myself at 25 with a good job and a nice apartment, making enough money to support my masters degree and still vacation in Europe for a week during the summer. I looked to those people around me who seemed to have everything so perfect. My peers complained about simple things like curfew, dating and part time jobs while I struggled to get my mind to shut up for five fucking minutes so I could concentrate on just one thing. As my life spiraled further out of control and I lost touch with reality, claiming once I could jump from the 9th floor terrace of my parents apartment and not get hurt, I still held on to the idea that if I worked hard enough then one day I too would have simple things to complain about.
I have my simple things now, my job sucks, my income is pitiful and my apartment periodically leaks from the ceiling. I won't even get into the fact that I've been forced out of the city I call home due to "gentrification" and neighborhood improvements. Still it doesn't seem as easy as I hoped it would be. I can't even explain how hard it was to shed my old self. I struggled with the idea that "normalcy" would come in pill form and that everyday for the rest of my life this pill would restore what nature could not.
My insurance ended in late June and I found myself for a month without "normalcy." What I needed to function became a luxury not a necessity and I found myself negotiating other expenses like food in exchange for functionality. And for one whole month I struggled without my pills, opting to instead smoke weed every night to fall asleep and exercising until my mind was quiet. Today I refilled my first prescription under my new insurance plan. And I stared long and hard at that little pink capsule of sanity. Perhaps the dream was all a lie and satisfaction doesn't exist for people like me.
When I was 16 I spent a month in a mental institution.
I know things can be worse then they are now, what's so upsetting to me is that things still are not that great. When I went through these dark periods and things fell apart completely I always held on to the idea that one day I would be past all of it and be a "successful" person. Not necessarily a person who was successful, but an individual who knew how to live their life as a human being and interact with other such "successful" people.
I envisioned myself at 25 with a good job and a nice apartment, making enough money to support my masters degree and still vacation in Europe for a week during the summer. I looked to those people around me who seemed to have everything so perfect. My peers complained about simple things like curfew, dating and part time jobs while I struggled to get my mind to shut up for five fucking minutes so I could concentrate on just one thing. As my life spiraled further out of control and I lost touch with reality, claiming once I could jump from the 9th floor terrace of my parents apartment and not get hurt, I still held on to the idea that if I worked hard enough then one day I too would have simple things to complain about.
I have my simple things now, my job sucks, my income is pitiful and my apartment periodically leaks from the ceiling. I won't even get into the fact that I've been forced out of the city I call home due to "gentrification" and neighborhood improvements. Still it doesn't seem as easy as I hoped it would be. I can't even explain how hard it was to shed my old self. I struggled with the idea that "normalcy" would come in pill form and that everyday for the rest of my life this pill would restore what nature could not.
My insurance ended in late June and I found myself for a month without "normalcy." What I needed to function became a luxury not a necessity and I found myself negotiating other expenses like food in exchange for functionality. And for one whole month I struggled without my pills, opting to instead smoke weed every night to fall asleep and exercising until my mind was quiet. Today I refilled my first prescription under my new insurance plan. And I stared long and hard at that little pink capsule of sanity. Perhaps the dream was all a lie and satisfaction doesn't exist for people like me.
posted by selling my soul at 10:34 AM
2 Comments:
Hey. I saw your comment about the West Coast and followed you home...
I know the West Coast like I know how to tie a shoe. Top to bottom. Feel free to enquire at my homepage anytime you need answers abous crazy west coasters. ALso, if you have trouble with over thinking and too much mind, I would sincerely suggest you fin a hip, small town to move to. Like Ashland, Oregon, for example. You'd be amazed at how much calmer the mind is when you can get out and walk in real forrests, or lay down on real beaches that have no people on them... or climb real mountains...
I'm serious.
I've got a noisy mind and I am so much happier not being in the big cities. Those places will make you nuts!
Oh girl.. I'm sorry you feel that way. Normal, as Pixie has listed on her email, is just a setting on the dryer. Honestly.. I can't imagine how hard that last month was for you.. but don't give up hope. Sounds stupid, but you are much stronger for the things you've gone thru and we all hoped things would be better.. don't you think? I still live paycheck to paycheck, w/ roommates and have a job - not a career. At least you have a cute boy and a dog! I just have a cat! :) Grass is greener sweets! xoxox
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